the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize