Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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