Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize