I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
