I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She needs sedatives and a leash
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
