i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
