What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
