hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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