On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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