Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize