i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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