I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
