Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
sarcasm needs its own font
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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