I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
