it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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