Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
