Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
