Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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