After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
