i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
