I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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