I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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