One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
