I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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