I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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