New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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