everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
