Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
