its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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