I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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