I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
