so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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