I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
