Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
not ubering you a puppy
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
