Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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