My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
