Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
