Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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