grandma shit on top of the toilet
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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