Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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