Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
