Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
