Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
