why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
