I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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