my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
