i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize