my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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