I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
