i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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