so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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