Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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