So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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