I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
