I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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