I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
