Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
