My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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