if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
