Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
