Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
